Thursday, December 4, 2008

I am Ugly


I still remember how stress I was when Sunny came into my life.

And it is happening again. And it really brings out the really ugly side of me.

When Sunny first came into the house as a baby. It was a stressful period for me as I have to clean up after him. We fenced him up in the living room, and he was yet to be toilet trained. Sometimes when I came home, I would find him soiled in his pool of poo. It took me 2 hours to bath him, dry him and clean up the hardened poo that stucked on the floor. I was mad, I would whacked him real hard.

It took us quite sometime to toilet train him. It was a relief for me when he finally knew how to pee on the pee pan.

Unfortunately, Sunny started to refuse to pee on the pee pan lately. And this is driving me mad again. Just yesterday, I tried for almost two hours to get him to pee on the newspapers in the utility room in vain. Knowing that it was not going to work, I took him downstairs for a walk, hoping that he would relieve himself. When we came back, he peed on the floor.

I was so infuriated that I slapped him so hard that when I raised my hand a second time, he was shivering with fear.

And this morning, I've woken up by him at four plus in the morning to clean up his pee on the floor.

Sunny showed me once again that I am not a patient person. In fact, I find myself easily angered and when I am, the really ugly side of me comes out.

Is Sunny the God's way of taming me?

I just hope I don't grow to hate Sunny. Sometimes its just so inevitable. I came to realise that this was what happened to me when I was a kid. My parents didn't hate me from the start. It just happened. When they realised that I did not grow to be attached to them like I should being their son, they slowly grew to "not love" me. ( hate would be too strong a word )

I've accepted it and have not bear any grudges against them. I used to when I was young. I blamed them for not providing a loving environment for me in my growing years. Not anymore, cos I know that it was certainly not their intention to "loose" a son, at least in the emotional way.

However this realisation has not drawn me closer to my father.
It is hard. I am so programmed to shut myself out from him emotionally.
Sad? It is just part of the harsh reality we have to face.

As for Sunny, I hope it wouldn't turn out this way.

I will continue to say my prayers.

"God, please grant me the ability to toilet train Sunny."

It's not a prayer, It's a SOS.

No comments:

The Third Life

  The third life! As I enter this phase of my life, there are obvious and inevitable changes to me, be it physically, mentally and even circ...